History Is All You Left Me

By Adam Silvera; Published In 2017
Genres: Young Adult, Contemporary, Glbt
Alternate universe idea: Theo and I are living together in a huge house overflowing with hats because I bought him a new one every day to get him to stay.

But as I stand here in the ocean that stole you away from us, I wonder if any molecule here witnessed your death, if any water splashing against my legs filled your throat as you struggled to breathe. I

But hey, if there’s one bright side to your dying, it’s that you aren’t around to tell me things I don’t like hearing. I’m sorry. That was a dickhead thing to say. I need a condom for my mouth.

But when someone is grieving, a genuine smile is a small victory in the big battle.

Every universe I’ve created lately, your face keeps popping up in it.

Every universe I’ve created lately, your face keeps popping up in it. And I thought that if you can’t be cool with that, then I wouldn’t hate you, but I might need some time for myself until we’ve had enough distance that I can imagine made-up worlds without you automatically appearing.

Fine.I'll never die, Theo says, hugging me closer to him.
I mean it. Promise me.
I promise you:I'll never die

History is nothing. It can be recycled or thrown away completely. It isn’t this sacred treasure chest I mistook it to be. We were something, but history isn’t enough to keep something alive forever.

I’d give in to the grief but make sure I wasn’t loud enough to draw attention from those who think words will make me feel better.

I don’t know what will be left of me if love and grief can’t bring you back to life. Maybe I need to be brought back to life, too.

I feel like a rock being skipped through the ocean—pain, relief, pain again, relief again, eventually destined to sink.

If I’m going to have any chance of getting through today, tomorrow, and all the days that follow, I think I need to go back to the start, where we were two boys bonding over jigsaw puzzles and falling in love.

I'll never understand how time can make a moment feel as close as yesterday and as far as years.

I’ll never understand how time can make a moment feel as close as yesterday and as far as years.

I look up, and Jackson's eyes find mine. For a second, it almost feels like we're about to race into the hole to join you. Being buried alive has got to be better than whatever comes next.

I'm blown away by how happy you make me. Thank you for being there for me when I'm stupid enough to think I'd rather be alone.

I'm so happy you were my first, Theo, and you were worth all the heartache.

I'm sorry, but please don't be mad at me for reliving all of it. History is all you left me.

I was in love and love died and the pain you've left isn't pain I can see myself having the strength to face again.

Kneel before the king, Griff." I look around for the king. "Me, asshole. I'm the king. Who else would be the king? Wade?"
[...]
"On this rainy Thursday, I, King Theo of New York City, praise you, Sir Griffin of New York City, for your vast knowledge of fantasy novels I"ll never take the time to read myself. And for having the kind of laugh that I like hearing so much I would punch myself over and over if you found it funny.

Love, the hugest liar in this universe.

One night we argued for a solid hour over who would win in a duel between Lord Voldemort and Darth Vader. I'm surprised we're still friends.

People are complicated puzzles, always trying to piece together a complete picture, but sometimes we get it wrong and sometimes we’re left unfinished. Sometimes that’s for the best. Some pieces can’t be forced into a puzzle, or at least they shouldn’t be, because they won’t make sense.

Then there’s the kind of zombie I’ve become now: the one who has lost everything—his brain, his heart, his light, his direction. He wanders the world, bumping into this, tripping over that, but keeps going and going. That is life after death.

There’s got to be some scientific study somewhere that proves your boyfriend’s sweater will keep you warmer and cure you of any illnesses a lot faster, than some Pottery Barn blanket.

There’s nothing wrong with someone saving my life, I’ve realized, especially when I can’t trust myself to get the job done right. People need people. That’s that.

The thing is, love doesn’t make sense anymore, and I feel lied to. Love isn’t this ultimate power that can make me feel unbeatable and all conquering.

The world should stop lying to kids because they've always been brutally honest with us.

Time doesn’t heal all wounds. We both know that’s bullshit; it comes from people who have nothing comforting or original to say.

You're not delusional,” Theo says. “And you're not crazy.