How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk
All we are given is possibilities to make ourselves one thing or another. JOSÉ ORTEGA Y GASSET
Can I give her a choice about when to do something, rather than insisting upon right now. (Do you want to take your bath before your TV show or right after?)
Can I offer a choice about how something is done? (Do you want to take your bath with your doll or your boat?)
Children dont need to have their feelings agreed with; they need to have them acknowledged.
Does he feel my request is unreasonable? (Why does my mother bug me to wash behind my ears? Nobody looks there.)
Does my request make sense in terms of my childs age and ability? (Am I expecting an eight-year-old to have perfect table manners?)
Is there any way to explain the fact that sometimes my kids respond when I ask them to do something and sometimes I cant seem to get through?
Its a bittersweet road we parents travel. We start with total commitment to a small, helpless human being. Over the years we worry, plan, comfort, and try to understand. We give our love, our labor, our knowledge, and our experienceso that one day he or she will have the inner strength and confidence to leave
Its a bittersweet road we parents travel. We start with total commitment to a small, helpless human being. Over the years we worry, plan, comfort, and try to understand. We give our love, our labor, our knowledge, and our experienceso that one day he or she will have the inner strength and confidence to leave us.
I was a wonderful parent before I had children.
I was a wonderful parent before I had children. I was an expert on why everyone else was having problems with theirs. Then I had three of my own.
Let us be different in our homes. Let us realize that, along with food, shelter, and clothing, we have another obligation to our children, and that is to affirm their rightness. The whole world will tell them whats wrong with themloud and often. Our job is to let our children know whats right about them.
Living with real children can be humbling.
Living with real children can be humbling. Every morning I would tell myself, Today is going to be different,
Once upon a time there were two seven-year-old boys named Bruce and David. They both had mother s who loved them very much.
Each boy's day began differently.
Each boy's day began differently.
One father said that what helped him become more sensitive to his sons emotional needs was when he began to equate the boys bruised, unhappy feelings with physical bruises.
Parents dont usually give this kind of response, because they fear that by giving a name to the feeling theyll make it worse. Just the opposite is true. The child who hears the words for what she is experiencing is deeply comforted. Someone has acknowledged her inner experience.
Some children can tell you why theyre frightened, angry, or unhappy. For many, however, the question Why? only adds to their problem. In addition to their original distress, they must now analyze the cause and come up with a reasonable explanation. Very often children dont know why they feel as they do. At other times theyre reluctant to tell because they fear that in the adults eyes their reason wont seem good enough. (For that youre crying?) Its much more helpful for an unhappy youngster to hear, I see something is making you sad, rather than to be interrogated with What happened? or Why do you feel that way? Its easier to talk to a grown-up who accepts what youre feeling rather than one who presses you for explanations.
Sometimes just having someone understand how much you want something makes reality easier to bear. So
Steady denial of feelings can confuse and enrage kis. Also teaches them not to know what their feelings are--not to trust them.
The attitude behind your words is as important as the words themselves.
The more you try to push a child's unhappy feelings away, the more he becomes stuck in them. The more comfortable you can accept the bad feelings, the easier it is for kids to leg go of them.
There are youngsters who prefer no talk at all when theyre upset. For them, Mom or Dads presence is comfort enough. One mother told us about walking into the living room and seeing her ten-year-old daughter slumped on the sofa with tear-stained eyes. The mother sat down beside her daughter, put her arms around her, murmured, Something happened, and sat silently with her for five minutes. Finally, her daughter sighed and said, Thanks, Mom. Im better now.
To Engage a Childs Cooperation 1. DESCRIBE WHAT YOU SEE, OR DESCRIBE THE PROBLEM. Theres a wet towel on the bed. 2. GIVE INFORMATION. The towel is getting my blanket wet. 3. SAY IT WITH A WORD. The towel! 4. DESCRIBE WHAT YOU FEEL. I dont like sleeping in a wet bed! 5. WRITE A NOTE. (above towel rack) Please put me back so I can dry. Thanks! Your Towel
We say please to our children to model a socially acceptable way to make a small request. But please lends itself best to our more relaxed moments.
When we give children advice or instant solutions, we deprive them of the experience that comes from wrestling with their own problems.