Amazing, isnt it? That hearts that once beat in sync could be so perfectly and forever separated. Thats the whole process of life, I think: a long, slow process of separation. It can be cured only by the reabsorption into everything, into the single heartbeat of time.
But that's the beauty of life: time if yours to keep and to change. Just a few minutes can be sufficient to carve a new road, a new track. Just a few minutes, and the void is kept at bay. You will live forever with that new road inside of you, stretching away to a place suggested, barely, on the horizon. For the shortest time, shorter than the shortest second's breath, you get to stand up to infinity. But eventually, and always, infinity wins.
But those are just words, and words are just stories, and eventually, always, stories come to an end.
Certain stories must remain mine, so that there is a me to remain.
Funny, isn't it, how quickly the future becomes the past.
I guess its the same way trees grow around the very vines that are killing them, so theyre strangled and sustained all at once. After a long time, even pain can be a comfort.
I guess we all have some of these - memories like artillery shells, fired at close range.
I learned to swallow words back, hold secrets on my tongue until they dissolved like soap bubbles.
I suppose, in some sense, wills are like maps: they are the imprint we leave, the places our affections have been entrenched; the work we have done; the money we have burrowed away; the furrows and the paths that lead back to spaces we have gone, and marked, and loved.
It all boils down to the same thing: are you going to play the cards you got, or are you going to fold?
It was unfair that people could pretend to be one thing when they were really something else. That they would get you on their side and then do nothing but fail, and fail, and fail again. People should come with warnings, like cigarette packs: involvement would kill you over time.
Lifes the sum total of all our small mistakes, little tragedies, bad choices. Addition on top of addition. They pile up and pile up until the cost of keeping up appearances is too high and the weight is just too much. Then: collapse.
Memory is as thick as mud. It rises up, it overwhelms. It sucks you down and freezes you where you stand. Thrash and kick and gnash your teeth. There's no escaping it.
Or maybe it's life that is the infection: a feverish dream, a hallucination of feelings. Death is purification, a cleansing, a cure.
Parents teach us our very first lesson about love: that you sure as hell don't get to choose it.
Parents teach you a lot of things, but the most important thing they teach you is this: how people will fuck you up in the future. If they're any good, they teach you to get used to it.
People, Caroline thought, were like houses. They could open their doors. You could walk through their rooms and touch the objects hidden in their corners. But something--the structure, the wiring, the invisible mechanism that kept the whole thing standing--remained invisible, suggested only by the fact of its existing at all.
People, Caroline thought, were like houses. They could open their doors. Your could walk through their rooms and touch the objects hidden in their corners. But something--the structure, the wiring, the invisible mechanism that kept the whole thing standing--remained invisible, suggested only by the fact of its existing at all.
She had never seen snow before, except in TV shows and movies. It had looked to her like the stars were flaking out of the sky. It had looked like thousands of fireflies in the moonlight; like breathlessness, like time stopping, like the most beautiful thing she had ever seen.
Shes like a person looking through the wrong end of a telescope, complaining that everything looks small.
That's modernity, if you ask me: endless division.
That's what everyone wanted, in the end: to be part of something bigger.
The gun was just the go-between. It was the loneliness that got me in the end.
The world has nothing to offer me, no single shred of interest. I'm a woman trapped on a balcony, watching a passing parade, a blur of noise and motion that eventually turns to a single point on the horizon, a gutter full of trampled and muddy cups, and the sense of wasting an afternoon.
This is how we grow: not up, but out, like trees--swelling to encompass all these stories, the promises and lies and bribes and habits.
Up and down, up and down, a ladder of choices leading to the next choice, and the next, until suddenly you've run out of choices, and ladder, and you find time as rare and thin as air on a mountain. Then it's oops, sorry, turn's over.
We make reality our own, handle it until it is soft as pressed butter.
We no longer pay attention to the clocks. Why should we? Noon is the taste of sawdust, and the feel of a splinter under a nail. Morning is mud and crumbling caulk. Evening is the smell of cooked tomatoes and mildew. And night is shivering, and the feel of mice sniffing around our skin.
Were all just a collection of wires pulled tight, charged beyond capacitya tangle of plugs and valves, waiting for a surge to take down the whole system.
When a heart breaks, a firefly is born.