Spilling Open: The Art of Becoming Yourself

Belong to yourself.

Driving to class with him. All I could
think about was
that it had been
three days
since I'd touched
his face
so fine.

I said, to him "you seem like you didn't miss a beat."

He looked at me
and said
Sabrina, I've missed
so many beats, I've

I am afraid to show you who I really am, because if I show you who I really am, you might not like it--and that's all I got.

I feel quite lost INSIDE myself, like I'm looking for my train tracks for my life, as if they would just appear and solve the growing questions I seem to face (my reflection in the morning).

If I had my life to live over, I’d try and make more mistakes next time. I would relax. I would limber up. I would be sillier than I have been this trip. I know of very few things I would take seriously. I would be crazier. I would be less hygienic. I would take more chances. I would take more trips. I would climb more mountains, swim more rivers and watch more sunsets. I would eat more ice cream and less beans. I would have more actual troubles and fewer imaginary ones. You see, I am one of those people who live prophylactically and sanely and sensibly, hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I have had my moments and, if I had to do it over again, I’d have more of them. In fact, I’d try to have nothing else. Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many years ahead each day. I have been one of those people who never go anywhere without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a gargle, a raincoat, and a parachute. If I had to do it over again, I would go places and do things and travel lighter than I have. If I had my life to live over, I would start bare-footed earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would play hooky more. I wouldn’t make such good grades except by accident. I would ride on more merry-go-rounds. I’d pick more daisies.

I have learned that frustration is allowed and talking it through
is necessary.

I have learned that I am enough...
I have learned that no one else can

I have learned that trust comes and goes and love comes before hate. Elise age 10.

I have learned that trying again is important and decisivness is good.

I have learned that silence hurts.

I have learned about starting over
and releasing pride.

I have learned to take a bit more off
and rest a little deeper.

Mom and I were walking onteh beach and I was explaining to her how I wantd to "GET OVER all my INSECURITIES" and "La La... La.."....
and she looked at me and said
"Sabrina, does anyone realy feel good about themselves for MORE than 5 minutes?"
We both laughed. I was releaved to know she felt that way becuae she seems SO graceful, calm and beautiful, which she is.. but also full of so much more. Auestions, doubts + WONDER.
I think that if we can aim for just five minutes a day of complete acceptance of ourselves, we are doing very well!

I AM FeeLing
mucky today too.
everyone at school
seems so much tougher + pulled together
and not so emotionally involved.

I get so mad at MYSELF FOR
'caring so deeply' AND
'MAINTAINING' all this stuff
in me
that FEELS SO PATHectic.
I want to put my tHINKing
in HYBernation FOR A WHile.

The truth is WE ALL ACHE.
and wonder if WE ARE
OKAY adn enough + loved.
WITHOUT the silver shoes
and lepord print sheet.
all the things we buy
to make us much more
than we are or need to be
we are simple
and complex
and rare
as is.


i don't know
if I will
ever understand
this Ache.
Perhaps it is
simpley and completely
Love and


at the end.


November 17, early morning

We are all carrying so many things in our life and inside ourselves. Often it feels there is no place to put them down. Where do you place the questions you carry

Who do you let in?